


Don't Steal from Patty

by crotch_centric



Category: Ghostbusters (2016), Ghostbusters - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Holtzbert - Freeform, Weed, holtzbert gets high, special brownies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-11-18 07:45:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11286795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crotch_centric/pseuds/crotch_centric
Summary: Holtz steals brownies from Patty to share with Erin not knowing these are special brownies. Holtzbert gets high af.





	Don't Steal from Patty

**Author's Note:**

> Had this idea a while back and finally sat down to write it. I wrote almost all of it all at once and am not feeling that whole proofread thing. So if it's sloppy that's why. I would apologize... but I'm not gonna.

“Do you think Abby and Patty have been acting weird?” Erin inquired as she fidgeted with her mug of tea.

 

“Umm, no? I dunno. I’m not really perceptive of stuff like that- but I don’t think so.” Her response was flat, not because she was trying to belittle the situation but because she was tinkering with a ghost chipper. She didn’t even look up from where her fingers were entwined, but the concern in her voice returned, “Why, did something happen downstairs?”

 

“No,” her tone was uncertain, “I’m just overthinking it. Really it was nothing.” Holtz was as convinced as Erin was.

 

“Well, what happened?” She carefully pulled her fingers out of the chipper and set it down, waltzing over to lean against the counter closer to Erin, turning all of her attention to her colleague.

 

“It’s silly,” she started, commonly phrasing her words that devalued how she was feeling, “Patty pulled out a tin of brownies from her purse and asked Abby if she wanted to share a brownie. I was standing right there and they didn’t even acknowledge me. Gosh, saying that out loud makes me feel so petty.”

 

Holtz just stood there, shifting her gaze trying to think of an explanation. She agreed it wasn’t a big deal, but also thought it was strange that Patty didn’t put the brownies on the counter for everyone, like they had always done when they made treats to share.

 

“But I guess they didn’t offer one to Kevin either, and he was sitting at his desk. Plus, they know I’m not usually a fan of sweets.”

 

“Yeah, I’m sure they didn’t mean anything by it. They might not have even noticed you walked into the kitchen.”

 

“You’re right. But damn, a brownie does sound good now.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey Eeeerin,” the blonde said tentatively as she crept up to the other woman standing at her whiteboard. “I have something for you.” Erin turned around to see a wide suspicious grin. Holtz pulled her arms from behind her back and unraveled the napkin to reveal three brownies.

 

“Did you steal those??” As much as she wanted to sound like she disapproved, she was flattered at the act. “How did you manage that? They were in Patty’s purse!”

 

“Don’t underestimate me, toots.” She took a big bite out of one, continuing with chocolate covering her teeth. “Just kidding, I snuck down there when you had called Abby up here to help you with that thing and Patty just so happened to be in the bathroom.”

 

“Well thanks, Holtz.” They both consumed their brownies and decided to share the third instead of saving it for later. “Oh yeah, speaking of which- when Abby came up here earlier she was being weird again. She wasn’t listening to me at all. I had to repeat myself 4 times before she even looked like she was paying attention.”

 

Holtz blinked a few times, waiting for the other woman to continue.

 

“And then when she finally did listen, she didn’t even offer me any ideas. She just brushed it off like I was a joke and left, saying it was Thursday and she didn’t want to think today. That doesn’t even make sense!” Erin glanced up at her friend, almost seeing the gears turning in her head.

 

Holtz picked up the napkin to smell it. The only thing remaining on it was some grease and chocolate crumbs. “Um. Erin?” The way she said that was as if it was leading to an apology or revelation… or something

 

“What?” Her eyes were wide and apprehensive.

 

“Okay. Um. Don’t freak out.”

 

“Holtz.”

 

“So… you know how, uh… okay, we’ll start here: you know how I usually eat weird stuff?”

 

“Yes… where are you going with this??”

 

“Well, in doing so, my tolerance for eating subpar food is high.”

 

“So…?” Her expression was somewhere crossed between,  _ Well duh,  _ and  _ just spit it out I swear to god. _

 

“...and you know how Patty’s uncle is a mortician…”

 

“Thus the hearse, yes.”

 

“Well, Patty’s cousin was never really interested in the business...” Erin was starting to get flustered at Holtz’s inability to say what was on her mind, although she usually appreciated the way Holtz expressed her ideas because it was like a game.

 

“Okay. So far, we’ve gone over the fact that you eat weird things and Patty’s cousin doesn’t want to embalm people, correct? Are those relevant in the slightest?”

 

“Yes. Okay. Patty’s cousin doesn’t care to run a funeral home, but has agreed to it for  _ other  _ reasons,”

 

“Mmmm, like being able to afford living in NYC? That’s a good reason, I’d say.” She was getting snarky at the unnecessary stress being inflicted on her.

 

“Yes and no. The main reason being that there’s a nice cool, dry basement. It constantly smells like formaldehyde and other fluids,” she looked up at Erin, locking her gaze with her bright blue eyes, “and that is the perfect combination to grow certain  _ illegal _ plants.”

 

“ _ WHAT? _ ” The epiphany hit her all at once. “Are you saying we just ate weed brownies???”

 

“Yeeeahh, that’s what I was getting at.”

 

“Oh my god.” She got up from her seat and started frantically pacing.

 

“I should have been able to warn you, but I just thought she used old eggs or something. I’m sorry!”

 

“I couldn’t taste it because I’ve never done this. Ohmygod. What’s going to happen? We’re going to get fired. We should turn ourselves in.” She was muttering to herself more than to Holtzmann.

 

“No, it’s going to be okay. It’s impossible to overdose. If we tell the authorities, Patty’s uncle will get his business shut down. We just have to stay calm and wait it out.” She had her hands on the side of Erin’s biceps, keeping her square and forcing her to listen.

 

“OH.” Erin turned and started speed walking down the hall. Holtz jogged to catch up.

 

“Erin. You can’t make yourself puke it out. It’s fine. Just let it run it’s course.” Erin nodded, not being able to shake the worry from her face. “It’s okay. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

 

What Erin didn’t know- and what Holtz didn’t dare tell her- was that she was trying to convince herself as much as the redhead that it was going to be okay. Holtzmann knew Patty wasn’t one to fuck around and was going to make these  _ strong _ . Plus, if she wanted to  _ share _ one with Abby at her tolerance, this was no doubt going to knock them out.

 

“We still have some time before they kick in anyway. Just try to stay calm. We’ll just go back to work until we can feel it and then we can either play a game or watch a movie or nap or whatever. Just try not to get to anxious about it.” This was going to be bad and she knew it. A small amount of weed can work wonders for anxiety, but  _ this much _ was going to be awful.

 

* * *

 

_ Thud. _

 

Erin looked up from the papers on her desk to see Holtzmann leaning on the counter, palms down, fingers spread, eyes wide.

 

“Holtz?” Their eyes met. Holtzmann didn’t say anything, but walked over and flipped on her stereo. “Honey, are you okay?”

 

“Yeah. I’m just- I’m starting to feel it.” It had been a half hour, forty minutes tops. From her previous experiences, it usually took  _ at least _ an hour. This shit was strong.

 

The shaggy blonde made her way towards the fire pole, carefully wrapping herself around it, trying to put on a show that everything was normal.

 

She gathered some snacks and drinks from the kitchen preparing for later. She rarely got the munchies; she usually ended up just drooling over everything. Erin, on the other hand might though.

 

“Hey baby, haven’t seen you much today. How’s it going up there?”

 

“It’s going fine. * _ swallow*  _ Kind of a slow day, but experimenting with some new stuff.” She grinned to herself, knowing she was the only one who got her own joke.

 

“Jesus, I hope you’re not planning on eating all of that before dinner.” She commented at the armful of snacks Holtz had gathered.

 

“Oh. Erin is PMSing.” Likely excuse, right? And then Holtz turned and headed towards the stairs before she burst out laughing at her acronym.  _ Erin’s PMSing. She sure is. Primary Marijuana Situation. _

 

When she reached the top of the stairs Erin was no longer at her desk. She set the overflowing snacks from her arms to the much-too-small open space on the counter.

 

“Erin?”

 

“ _ Mleughmpf, _ ” was the noise that came from the floor behind the counter. Her legs were sticking out like the wicked witch of the west. “I. need. Water.”

 

As she sat up and drank whatever it was Holtz handed her, she said between swallows, “I can feel my esophagus,” and “And my lungs.”

 

Holtzmann, still squatting beside her, was enamoured and thrilled to be sharing this experience with Erin. She reached up to grab a can of pringles and then sat next to Erin, leaning against the base of the counter.

 

“My teeth are… bleeding… lead?” Erin’s face, filled with shock and concern, picked her head up off Holtz’s shoulder and looked at her mouth. Holtzmann was in a daze, sliding her teeth back and forth on each other.

 

“No no, blood has iron,” Erin started tracing the top of Holtzmann’s bottom teeth with her index finger, “not lead.” As weird of a sensation as it was, it was soothing. “Unless,” Holtz closed her lips around Erin’s finger as she spoke, “unless you’re a horseshoe crab.”

 

Holtz’s gaze of curiosity and seduction was washed together, urging Erin to explain whatever she was trying to say as she suckled the finger in her mouth. “Horseshoe crabs,” * _ twitch _ *, “don’t have hemoglobin.” * _ deep breath _ * “They have copper,” * _ twitch _ *, “in their blood.”

 

Her finger was suddenly cold as Holtzmann pulled her head back, leaving Erin’s finger in the air, inches from her face. “Ohhhhhh!” Her eyebrows were raised, only partially from her excitement. “That’s why they steal it!”

 

“You stole brownies! And now we’re high!” Erin giggled.

 

“Because they have copper,” she looked down at her hands, “their blood… cognition…”

 

Erin’s eyebrows went from her hairline towards each other, her eyelids heavy, “...what?”

 

“Cognition… oh!” Holtz chuckled at herself, pointing a finger at her temples, “co-ag-u-lates, not cognition.” She spoke as if everything made sense now, but Erin’s blank stare urged her to explain better.

 

“Their blood coagulates faster… so doctor’s steal it… to use it. It’s actually… a really horrible process.” Holtz looked like she was going to cry, but her eyes were way too dry for that.

 

Even though their sides were already touching, they found themselves inching even closer until their arms and legs were pressing against each other. Physically, they were close- but mentally, even in the midst of conversation, they felt detached. Not necessarily from each other, but almost from reality.

 

“I think I need to pee.” Erin stated, still twitching. She started to reposition so she could stand, but then decided leaving the comfort at her sides wasn’t going to be worth it. “Nope, nevermind. I think it’s just me feeling other parts instead of my lungs now.

 

Holtz’s chin must have been in her lap, thinking about the comment her crush had just made. “Well, not to uh, be that person… but, if you uh, want to test the hypothesis you’re thinking of… I would be.... more than happy, to uh, you know.”

 

Erin blushed, not realizing her thoughts were that transparent. “Umm, maybe another time.” Holtzmann’s eyes nearly popped out of her head, the grin that spread across her face was genuine and uncontrollable.

 

“Will you check my pulse??” The redhead grabbed Holtzmann’s arm, flipping over her hand and placing her wrist in her palm. Holtz must have been trying to watch the second hand on her watch and count Erin’s pulse for what seemed like fifteen minutes, with no conclusion.

 

“I think it’s fine.” She had no idea.

 

_ *thump, thump, thump* _

 

“The fuck was that?” Erin’s eyes darted from Holtz’s features to the doorway to the stairs. “We need to hide. We need to hide, now.” She rustled away from where they were sitting and flung open the cabinets under the counter.

 

If Erin had dared open the cabinet during a time she was competent, she would have said something like,  _ “What the hell, Holtz? With all the shit on your countertop, there’s nothing in here?? Is that a pillow?”  _ to which Holtzmann would have defended herself saying,  _ “I like seeing all my things at once. It’s more efficient for brainstorming. And hell yes that’s a pillow. Also a duvet down there. It’s perfect for naps.” _

 

Holtzmann also found a weird comfort for small spaces. She had always hid in linen cabinets when she was sad growing up. She would also take pillowcases full of legos into the crawl spaces in the attic and basement and spend hours building things in her confined space, having agreed with her dad that if she was going to do that, she would be sure to have a walkie talkie with her.

 

But right now, she was not preoccupied with anything but the fact that they needed to hide promptly. She crawled inside, sitting in the middle of the open space, Holtzmann crawling in close behind, propping the pillow up in the corner to lean against. She slid the entrance closed. It was  _ dark. _

 

“I can’t see!!” Erin whisper shouted, paranoid and frantic.

 

“Come here,” Holtz said as soft as she could, reaching her arms out to find Erin’s body. They readjusted until Erin’s back was leaning against Holtz’s front, sitting between her legs, her torso enveloped in the younger woman’s arms.

 

They heard voices outside in the empty room. “No!” Erin pulled the duvet up over herself, as if it would protect them from what was happening. They heard the footsteps dissipate towards the staircase, falling silent again as they descended back to the first floor.

 

Holtz could feel how rapidly Erin was breathing and how tense her body was. “Erin? You okay, babe?”

 

Erin didn’t respond with words, just with fragments of noises. “Can you feel me shaking?” She asked the blonde as Holtz moved her in her embrace, encouraging her to flip over.

 

So Erin did. She flipped over like a flapjack, conveniently and unintentionally (it was intentional, let’s be real) finding that her hands just so happened to land perfectly on Holtz’s breasts, cupping them lightly with her fingers.

  
Neither one decided to mention it, even though both were hyper aware of what had happened. Holtz leaned her face down and kissed the other woman. It was raw and authentic, but went to say  _ I love you. I care for you. I am here for you. I will comfort you. _ It was a kiss born out of love rather than lust.

 

Her lips were soft and gentle, as was the embrace she was still in. After pulling her face back, Holtz scooted down and wrapped her arms around the other woman’s waist, giving her a tight, affectionate squeeze before relaxing.

 

Erin whispered so softly she wasn’t even sure if she said it, or just thought it really loud, “Thank you.” She then nuzzled her face onto Holtz’s stomach, retreating her hands to Holtz’s side so her elbows were at her hips and her forearms were along her waist. Holtzmann moved her hands to Erin’s hair, knowing that having her hair played with was one of the most soothing things she could do for her until she fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

“Shit!” Patty exclaimed, causing Abby to meet her eyes with concern. “Those two took some brownies, that’s why we can’t find them!”

 

“Oh nooooo. Erin is probably freaking out! Do you think they left??”

 

“No, we would have seen them come down here… unless they went out the window, but I’m pretty sure you scarred Holtz enough when Rowan tried to kill her to go out windows.”

 

“Kevin. Kevin!” Abby had spent enough time around Holtzmann to pick up her habit of not fully explaining her words, but assuming her thoughts were implied.

 

“No, Abby. He’s right there,” she said, pointing at the big puppy dog sitting at his desk, examining his cuticles as if he just realized he had fingernails.

 

She put her hands over her ears, “Where?? I don’t see him!” She laughed as she remembered the day they interviewed him, mocking him out of love of course. “No shit he’s right there. I’m saying, if he’s really as good at hide and seek as he says, he should be able to find them!”

 

“Brilliant. You are brilliant.”

 

“Hey Kev,” Abby called out to him. He was not even phased, still intrigued by his hands- now it looked like he was counting his knuckles, one at a time.

 

“Yo Kevin!”

 

“Hi boss!” He waved at them.

 

“We have a very special Ghostbusters assignment for you. Do you think you can manage?”

 

“Well, I guess I’ve never been a manager before. But I’m willing to give it a shot.” He winked and turned his attention back to stretching his fingers out before balling them in a fist.

 

Patty’s blank stare at Abby spoke for itself,  _ “This is hopeless.” _

 

“Thanks for the obedience, buddy.” Abby muttered, her phrasing purposely as if she was about to give a dog a cookie. She spoke up for the next part, “and for your first task as manager, we want you to use your HnS skills.”

 

“Ancient chess? Is that the same kind as regular chess? I’m sorry, boss, but I don’t know how to play.”

 

“Hide and Seek, Kevin.”

 

“Oh, do you want to play? I was actually going to leave early today for a tournament.”

 

“Great! You can practice here! Erin and Holtzy are somewhere in the building. They told us to tell you to find them after they hid. And that was a little while ago, so I think they’re ready.”

 

Kevin looked as if he was listing something in his head while counting on his fingers, his lips barely moving as he was remembering and repeating something to himself. It was incoherent, but they assumed he was going over some Hide and Seek rule list or oath or something.

 

They watched as he started on the main floor, flipping the couch, looking behind doors, climbing on the kitchen counters to look on top of the fridge. But then he started looking in less predictable places to their surprise. He was narrating his movements as he did them, “I’m going to look here now. Nope, not here either.”

 

Patty watched him as if he were a reality TV show, wondering how he had made it this far. “What in the sweet hell?” She asked herself, Abby, and whatever paranormal were around them as she witnessed Mr. Beefcake pull his body up the fire pole using only his arms.

 

* * *

 

No more than ten minutes passed when he found them, both dead to the world. He returned back stairs to report the others that they were sleeping and he did not want to wake them.

 

So Abby and Patty decided to just let them sleep it off. When they still hadn’t seen them by end of the day, they wrote a note and left it in the main area before they went home.

 

The next morning, still no sign of activity- radio still playing upstairs, but no crashes or audible poofs.

 

Abby and Patty found Holtz and Erin in almost the exact position as Kevin had found them yesterday, and decided it would be a good idea to wake them.

 

“What year is it?” was the first thing out of Erin’s mouth as she slightly regained consciousness.

 

“2040, our president is a plant!” Holtzmann still half unconscious didn’t miss a beat.

 

“Ugh, I wish,” and “Nope, still Mr. Cheez It toddler man,” came from Abby and Patty simultaneously.

 

“Fuck that, I’m going back to sleep,” and “Yeah, being unconscious was better,” was returned.

 

“Shit dude, y’all must feel like hell! Cause y’all look like hell.” Patty’s bluntness was rarely underappreciated. “Baby, you gotta know that if Patty don’t offer you brownies, there’s a reason.”

 

And that’s how Holtz learned not to steal food from Patty, how Erin learned not to overthink the behaviors of the other women. Although, Erin was going to store away the knowledge that Holtz had a nap cave… that might be awfully convenient later on.


End file.
